Today I busted out this shirt that I just love from H&M. It’s bold, has this funky tribal print vibe going, and it cost me $10. Essentially the fashion trifecta for me: bold, funky, cheap.

I love this shirt; I’ve taken some of my favorite selfies in it and posted them to Instagram, so you know it’s real.

I was feelin’ myself today. You know what that means. Outfit of the day (OOTD) photo shoot.  So I opted to go into work a little later to “take my daughter to school”. I had to involve her; she was also feelin’ herself because she was wearing her favorite jean on jean outfit. Plus, it looks less vain if you have a child in the photo, one of the perks of parenting – you can mask your vanity with your children. But I digress.

Right before entering the car, I had my personal assistant sister take a few photos of me “with the kids”.

Side note: My son’s outfit was not OOTD cute, but he assumed he was invited and it would be bad parenting to exclude him. Most of my parenting style is avoiding being the cause of their need for therapy as adults (basically the opposite of my mom’s parenting style). But I digress again.

So we went on ahead and took the photos in less than five minutes. I fought against my nature and did not inspect them before moving on because we were pressed for time. Big mistake!

At a red light on the way to work I pulled up those 8 photos and did a mental wall slide in grief. My (clap) favorite (clap) shirt (clap) made (clap) me (clap) look (clap) fat.  My first thought was: Why GAWD?!

Let me explain something: no matter how much you weigh, it is the OUTFIT that makes you look fat!  I know I have gained 20 pounds in the last two years and 60 pounds since my husband first met me, but it is the outfit’s fault! If you don’t agree, you are not welcome on this blog. This idea is not up for debate. I am being defensive.

What I saw in the mirror and what I saw in that photo did not intersect. They did not even occupy space in the same reality.

Why did this happen? Here are the possible reasons:

  • I didn’t angle enough. Ever catch America’s Next Top Model and see those ridiculous contorting and angling and cinching of the clothes at the waist? I may not admit this again but, I’ve been known to do that in my photos and it works.
  • My sister had an off day. The photographer matters. Every picture my husband takes of me is bad. Profile shots with triple chins. Candid shots with muffin top. Couple selfies with me blinking. His picturing taking skills are horrific. Maybe my sister was channeling him.
  • I didn’t take enough photos. Take 100+ photos and you are bound to find two that fit the perception you have of yourself. For every awesome selfie you see on my Instagram, 20 or more made me cringe.
  • The Shirt is only meant for selfies. There are some outfits that only look good from the boobs up, this maybe one of them.
  • I’m actually fat. Nope.

My favorite shirt was not loyal. It hid all of my best features and gave me faux (or extra) muffin top. Needless to say, my day is ruined.

Post Scriptum: Let me explain something, I am not a fashion blogger. Fashion bloggers put in werk! Most of them take a week’s worth or more of outfit photos in one day in various staged locations. The best full-time fashion bloggers work over 40 hours a week shopping, arranging outfits, taking 100+ photos per outfit, selecting, and editing photos. They earn every dollar they are paid for sponsored posts. So if your favorite fashion blogger seems super human, it’s because they are.