Last night Piglet spent almost the entire evening crying, no screaming and wailing. Around 12 AM my middle sister and I decided to start organizing coupons from various sources. After 2 hours of clipping we started a new organization process and around 2:30 AM Piglet started wailing. She was screaming and hollering and was inconsolable. I could hear her father try and try with no avail to soothe her and get her back to bed. When I attempted to take her from him, she obviously wanted to be screaming in Daddy's arms and not Mommy's.
We gave her a homeopathic tablet and she stopped but then attempted to Godzilla our various coupon piles on the living room floor. So she was off to the bedroom where she reinstated her wailing and I could hear in my husbands tone that he had nearly lost all patience with Piglet.
When I arrived in bed around 4 AM Piglet allowed me to soothe her and we were all back to bed. But my husband was up again around 6 AM with a screaming baby. This time he was screaming what was wrong. Half asleep I groaned that he yelled at our child too much out of frustration and he mumbled that he is just tired of doing it alone.
I know I have been using the pregnancy as a get out of jail free card and that he has taken on the role as main care taker to our little one most of the time. And though we have broached the topic many times little has changed.
This morning our reflection conversation (our time to discuss our marriage, financial, emotional and spiritual state) focused on balanced parenting and making time for romance. My husband let me know again that he does not mind taking on a majority of the responsibility with our daughter when I am tired and over worked with projects. He added that he needs me to work harder on fitting him in to my daily plans. He needs us to share the responsibility more. He also noted that we have not had "us" time recently. He has tried to plan many dates that I have cancelled due to fatigue or disinterest at least 5 times in the last two weeks. It is not the right thing to do and I think on some level, I resent my husband and that is causing me to dismiss him.
Yes, I think I kind of resent my husband. Yes he cleans and he cooks and he cares for our little one and he wants to be touchy feely with my very pregnant self. But I think I resent him? I want more from him. I struggle with workaholism. I spend most of the day working on my small business, social media projects, and homemaking projects. My husband on the other hand views work solely as a means to an end. That end is less about influence and esteem generation and more about providing for a family he can spend quality time with. He does not care for climbing the corporate ladder nor does he desire to hoard money. He would rather be a missionary or work with disadvantaged groups. He draws his esteem from quiet reflection and prayer.
There is something wrong with me. I have friends focused on power and money. Getting most of their self worth and value from projects and work. From the outside you can see how a life built on those values are skewed and incomplete but when you are exhibiting this behavior, it is hard to notice. I resent him because in some ways I feel my way of workaholism is the right was and his is not.
I am essentially deprogramming myself. An old way of thinking that may have gathered me a treasure trove of titles and maybe even dollars. But could lead to a cold marriage and a hands off relationship with my children.
I will always love my projects but I must learn to love cuddling with my husband more and interacting with my children more. My name is Samantha Sophia and I am a judgmental workaholic...