I am flesh and bone and fallible. You knew this when you said yes.
I am passion and obsession and emotion. You knew this when you asked me to wed.
I am soft and hard and driven. You whispered that you loved this about me when we were young.
But when the affection is lacking, when time poverty leaves little room for love leisure and when in the midst of being everything – woman, wife, worker – you find me lacking. I wonder, am I the right wife for you?
Marriage is hard.
Being married to me might be harder. I’m quite open about my shortcomings. But I learned from your lips my strengths. My beauty. My possibility. That’s why it hurts so much when you are all fear, and frantic and fault finding.
There were a million things about you I find slightly repugnant.
There were a trillion things about you that makes me swoon.
I was comfortable with that ratio of good to bad, so I said yes.
But now I must ask if I’m the right wife for you.
I still believe you’re the right husband for me.
I entered marriage eyes wide open.
Stared long and hard at the million things about you that agitated me and still found that you were everything I desired.
While I hoped those million exasperating traits would fade with age and wisdom, if they didn’t, I’m fine with you and us. Because the 1 trillion things you get right are at the heart of what I need from friend and life partner.
But what should I do when I can’t enter a room without facing your concern, your man nagging, your growing need for a different version of me.
I couldn’t stay 19 forever. A decade later. A baby (or two) later. A career later. What feels like a lifetime later, there had to be some change?
Unless I am wrong.
Unless I am not perceiving the situation correctly.
Unless I am misconstruing your demands.
Maybe you don’t want a different version of me.
Maybe you aren’t telling me that as I am, I am not enough. But if feels that way.
Maybe I am being selfish and maybe you are being ridiculous. It’s so hard to tell when our emotions have run a muck and my only coherent thought is:
Am I the right wife for you still?
But today may not be the best day to ask this question. Because work is demanding. The children are screaming. And life kind of sucks in nuanced ways that often disappear in a day or two when our perspective shifts toward the positive.